TEXAS CRUNCHER Basket Stack

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Our new security precautions involved hiring these professional consultants to help us develop a strategy that will ensure that our top secret, proprietary, silicon-polystyrene supercomputing arrays don't wind up in the wrong hands or used by the Dark Side (*cough*republicans*cough*) for unscrupulous or unconstitutional purposes.

We've spared no expense to obtain these experts. Well, we bought the booze at a discount liquor store and the donuts came from a day-old bakery, but we got the half-gallon size bottles of Old Sweatsocks Bourbon instead of the quart size bottles.

Next, we hired some professional security guards from the nearby state of Louisiana and bought some weapons and munitions for our perimeter force of elite, highly trained, combat squirrels. These ferocious rodents form the frontline defense, while Billy Bob and Bobby Bill (or whatever their friggin' names are) stand guard outside of our research facility to prevent unauthorized entry.

You might be tempted to think that we're nuttier than squirrel shit to actually rely on Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber (or whatever the hell their names are) to protect our valuable crunch farm, but we happen to know that these assclowns are a little light in the loafers. With all the explosives strapped to the rodents, not even Dick Cheney would risk a little felching or waterboarding action with these guys.

Additionally, we did a little rennovation work on the Research Facility, adding razor wire and some extra towers to our landscaping plans. We filled the moat with sausage gravy, to give the pit bulls some added incentive to properly greet unexpected guests as they wade across.

For legitimate thrill seekers, media types and tourists interested in the high-tech science of basket cruncher technology, we've remodeled our Visitor Center to include a toilet and a bed. This should help alleviate some of the discomfort of any delays experienced while we do a background check on them.

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